#206: Let go of the pain / Mental Health Day

On the difficulties of being a growth seeker

Dear reader,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Over the past few years of trying to grow and be a better version of myself, the one constant has been the slipping back. To old behavior and thinking patterns, to addictive tendencies, to sloth and procrastination. It’s hard to look at the small wins, which are slowly but surely adding up, when you’re too busy escaping from reality in a hundred different ways and letting the overwhelm but get to you.

But be got to keep on going. Trying. Fighting. Falling. Resurrecting.

I’ve spoken a lot about resilience and community in this newsletter. Yes, we must support each other and not lose sight of the bigger picture. Yes, a better world is possible. But with all that is going on in our brains, homes, society and the world around us, it’s a little hard sometimes to remember that. As Jasmine wrote in her latest column, “All the love you’ve been giving others, give it to yourself and see what a world of difference it makes.”

I think this is the hardest part of it. It’s ridiculous how difficult loving oneself can be ever so often. Whether it’s being better about boundaries or calling out your own bullshit, paving a step of actionable changes and getting it done, it’s not easy to keep pushing oneself. Heck, it’s not even easy to put myself to sleep till 4am on some nights, knowing well that the sleep deprivation and the crick in my neck from poor posture is going to cause more havoc, if when left unattended too long.

A good reminder to keep it real:

“Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red.”
-Kait Rokowski

The good news is that we get to start somewhere. I keep returning to these lines by Mari Andrew that gives me hope when the going gets tough:

“I'm moving on to a life full of warm mornings and rich color and mistakes that lead to intimacy and trust that has nothing to do with plans going perfectly. I'm sending my brain on an all-expenses-paid vacation without intrusive thoughts, and I want to fall in love with that version of my mind. As scary as it is to let a great love go, I'm in for a lifetime of greater love.

The new story begins here.
-Mari Andrew

Wish you (and myself) luck in your mental health journey. Lean in and try to listen to your inner voice. Be real with yourselves. Get help. We are not alone.

Another gentle reminder I’d like to leave you with:

“If stumbling is the path, rather than a sign that we fucked up the path, how might we interact with the stumble in a way that fosters curiosity, an expanded self-awareness, and the resilience to not get stuck in shame or failure, but to simply get back on course and continue apace?

“Stumbling is a sign of momentum” is self-compassion, kindness and forgiveness right at the moment we need it most. This is something we can offer to ourselves, this is how we resource back into ourselves; this is us not dependent on anyone or anything outside of ourselves to make us OK. This is how we begin to trust and take care of ourselves. This is us, reminding ourselves of our precious humanity, this is the joy of not being a robot. This is harm reduction, and harm reduction is recovery. This is how we change.”
-Self Made, dani medrano

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Poetry Corner

I don’t have any music or books or articles I’d like to recommend today, only poems. I hope they make you feel stronger and braver:

Évocation (Femme À La Montagne) by Odilon Redon, whose work has been really speaking to me this month

1. Hymn For The Hurting by Amanda Gorman (Excerpt)

Everything hurts.
It’s a hard time to be alive,
And even harder to stay that way.
We’re burdened to live out these days,
While at the same time, blessed to outlive them.

This alarm is how we know
We must be altered —
That we must differ or die,
That we must triumph or try.
Thus while hate cannot be terminated,
It can be transformed
Into a love that lets us live.

May we not just grieve, but give:
May we not just ache, but act;

2. The Fury of Rainstorms by Anne Sexton

The rain drums down like red ants,
each bouncing off my window.
The ants are in great pain
and they cry out as they hit
as if their little legs were only
stitched on and their heads pasted.
And oh they bring to mind the grave,
so humble, so willing to be beat upon
with its awful lettering and
the body lying underneath
without an umbrella.
Depression is boring, I think
and I would do better to make
some soup and light up the cave.

3. Desiderata by Max Ehrmann (Excerpt)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

4. The Process by Dilruba Ahmed

So grateful the process is clean
and faithful. Does not cheat
like a disenchanted spouse
dozing on a haggard couch.

Take heart: the process is always right — 
is automatic, phlegmatic. Clean, cold,
and always refreshing. Brewed to perfection
some say. Guaranteed to satisfy

you might say. Give thanks the process
is organized. Synchronized and sterilized.
Optimized but not disguised, like
the grown man at my door long after

trick-or-treaters have gone, hand
outstretched, mask covering his eyes.
Thankful, too, for the oversight: no
boogeyman standing over the drain pipe,

clogging it with debris when no one sees
so he can charge you your life
for the cleaning; name your price.
And how shall we praise the instruments

of investigation? So shiny, so new, gleaming
with silver and glass? No traces of fingerprints
or funders. No whispered voices
softly requesting, of the results, a first glance.

There’s no need to come clean. We know
the process won’t fall prey to steak and wine
and then slink upstairs to spend some time,
just a little. The process doesn’t. The process

wouldn’t. The process isn’t that kind.

5. You Reading This, Be Ready by William Stafford

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this 
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life –

What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

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Bombay Zine Fest this weekend

If anybody from Bombay is reading this, come say hi this weekend at the Bombay Zine Fest at Harkat Studios, Versova on October 14th/15th/16th. I’ve never put up a stall with my zines/merch but I’m showing up with my talented friends from Loofa and we’re excited to come show and share our work with you.

Come say hi! More deets here.

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Take care. Drink water. Keep it real!

Love and mercy,
Rohini