Dear Jasmine #12: Stir your own pot, but in a good way.

"Oh, the beauty of being human and the messiness of it all!"

Love and Pain, 1895 by Edvard Munch

Question 12

Dear Jasmine,

I am in a love relationship for 6 years now, and I really love my partner. But it feels like over the years, my romantic inclination has lessened towards my partner, but the caring and everything else still remains intact. On the other hand, there's another person I'm really infatuated with, and that person has also confessed their love for me. I’ve been honest in telling them that I'‘ve been infatuated but I’m also aware that this is not the ‘love’ that I’m feeling for them. 

I can never imagine myself cheating on my partner but at the same time, my infatuation is getting the better of me.

My mind is absolutely clear about what path I should take, it is just my heart that needs your words, Dear Jasmine!

Seeking your comforting hand on my heart,
Crazy in Chandigarh

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Answer 12: Stir your own pot, but in a good way.

Dear Crazy in Chandigarh,

What you’ve admitted here is an act of honesty, and I want to thank you for trusting me enough to say this out loud. To write it down in a text entry field and send in how you’re really feeling is no mean feat. What usually happens is that humans tend to quantify events and occurrences as black or white and we completely forget that our world, and our selves are actually grey. We are so determined to do the ‘right’ thing that it usually slips our mind that we see things from only one perspective — our perspective. The truth is that there is always more than meets the eye. Thank you for bringing back the important realisation that we are not here to draw neat lines in the sands of time, and for reminding me that this column isn’t here to be a self-righteous monument for the future. 

As you are clear about the path you need to take, let’s not talk about that for now. Who needs to be told what to do? Not you, Crazy in Chandigarh. In fact, not most of us. People hardly ever need to be told what to do. In their hearts, they know what to do every time things get tough. It’s just that we need to find the courage to navigate our societies, consider the feelings of others, and be brave to disturb the status quo. So you’ve got that bang on. 

If I could be a little indulgent, can I ask what is it about this Infatuator (yes, I coined a word to make the writing seamless, forgive me, please) that makes your heart aflutter? Is it the way you’re made to feel like the centre of their universe or is it the thrill of the chase? Is it the undivided attention they pay to you or the dopamine rush of their notifications on your phone screen? Something about this person makes you crazy, doesn’t it? I encourage you to find out what it is because that will give you the key to what you find missing in your own long-term relationship. You’ve said it yourself that the ‘romantic inclination’ has lessened towards your partner. This is a common feature of long-term relationships because the hormone rushes and the seek-and-chase get taken over by familiar displays of affection and pre-planned grocery-runs. Don’t we all know this? 

Humans are perpetually seeking a sense of security and long-term relationships (bound by elaborate oaths and legal documents) provide this sense of security to us. Life is fleeting, isn’t it? The precarious nature of the world we live in doesn’t guarantee anything, but having someone else go through the life with you surely helps. It makes us feel less alone, less afraid. That’s why we have all this hullabaloo about love and partnership. We want to feel less alone and less afraid. We want to have someone to share our joys with, comfort our tears, and be the witness to our existence. We want this whole ride to mean something. Oh, the beauty of being human and the messiness of it all! 

I am a firm believer of not assigning a sacredness to relationships because, like everything in this world, I believe that they also change with time and place. You’ve said you want to stay with your partner, so I will use that as a base for our conversation. I’m not going to launch into a discourse about the sanctity of your current relationship. It is frankly none of my business. I am going to launch into a discourse about how special you are. I have a feeling you’re missing being told all the sparkly and wonderful things about yourself and you’re gravitating towards the person who is doing this to you. 

As we grow older, we realise our greatest struggles might be with our own heart. We are not taught, however, how to articulate these struggles so we do things that we unable to fully explain. Language is an essential life-skill taught with very little interest these days. There is a reason why we relate to the meme-culture. It is because memes say in a snapshot what we are unable to say in sentences, no matter how long and winding. Focus on what your heart is telling you, Crazy in Chandigarh. Find out which of your needs are being unmet and probe what you actually need. This is not to throw any shade on your partner or even you, for that matter. This is just to get to the bottom of how people can be there for you in a way you need them to be. You’re a person capable of uttering bitter truths. You’re a loving and caring partner. You’re an adult who is able to draw boundaries with people. You’re a human who appreciates the complexity of being human. You’re a person who is healthy enough to acknowledge attraction outside a relationship and call it exactly like it is. You’re not one to mince words. 

Now, you’re going to have to go one step further and communicate to your partner which of your needs are being unmet and how they can meet them. Expecting our partners to be mind-readers is ridiculous. No human should have to guess how someone else is feeling in addition to working long hours, filing tax returns, chopping vegetables, and avoiding potholes during the day. Once you figure out which of Infatuator’s advances excites you, have an honest conversation with your partner that those needs of yours are currently being unfulfilled. I say ‘currently’ because it is very possible that your partner has fulfilled these needs in the past, but they’ve come around again. Consciously do the things with your partner that you’d much rather want to do with Infatuator. 

Use this as an opportunity to bring back the fizzled romance in your relationship. Go out on dates, do some adrenaline sports together or simply go to the local game parlour (research suggests doing high-adrenaline activities with your partner activates parts of your brain that associate them with excitement and good energy), take a vacation, have a soulful conversation, explore each others’ physical fantasies, and learn each others’ love language to do something special for them. Bring alive a thrill and chase in your own steady relationship by involving your partner in this actively. Explore any emotional or physical fantasies that you would both like and play them out. The Internet is such a great resource that you’d be able to do your own research on anything you might need along the way. If there are any unresolved arguments between you both, decide to forgive and repair. Forgiveness is a huge part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Let the bad stuff go and make room for new emotions. Your partner deserves this as much as you do. 

Last but not the least, distance yourself from Infatuator and let them go. Wish them well that they find someone to have a lasting relationship with. They deserve it, too. The best stories are those that end at the right time. Stretch out the ending of any story and it instantly becomes a terrible one. You’ve experienced that with movies, haven’t you? How often do we say that this or that movie must have been shorter? That prolonging its ending made it bad? End this episode with Infatuator and move on to the next chapter of your romantic life. You’ll both be the better for it. 

You’re not that crazy, Crazy in Chandigarh. You just want to feel special. There’s nothing wrong with that. Stir up the passion pot a little. Wear that beautiful dress. Sprinkle your own forgotten magic into the sky. 

Walk out of this self-brewed chaos. Feel the night air on your face. Breathe it in.

Love,
Jasmine

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Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.