Dear Jasmine #13: Own your joy. Don’t flaunt it.
"Take excellent care of your mental health by being your own cheerleader."
Question 13
Dear Jasmine,
When failure knocks on my door I'm always sure that I deserve it, but now I am seeing tints of success in my life. I'm finally doing what I really wanted for so long by working damn hard for it, fighting for it everyday, even rebelling against my family for it. I have not reached my final goal but it now feels like I'm on its path. But with all these good things happening to me, I am not able to escape the thought of “Do I really deserve this success?” Does anyone else who probably has worked harder than me deserve my spot? And this has become a hindrance to enjoy this journey. How do I overcome it?
- Phoenix Who Wants to Rise
Dear Jasmine,
I feel stuck. I have everything one needs for a ‘good life’ — enough money, supportive parents, the inkling of a relationship, and work that I once really wanted — but I have the constant feeling that I’m steering my life in the wrong direction. I get thoughts like completely discarding my current career and jumping into something new. At the same time, I know I can be whimsical, and I look back and regret decisions more often than I should. How do I know whether I'm truly stuck or just overthinking everything?
- Confused
Dear Jasmine,
Life is really good right now. I am successful, according to the monochromatic way the world thinks of success, at least. It also means that I am scared, that it's going to end, or that I may lose it.
- From Behind the Screen
Answer 13: How could this happen? But oh, it did!
Dear Phoenix Who Wants to Rise, Confused, and From Behind the Screen,
I can’t help but wonder if all these letters are from the same person. It’s uncanny how people might feel the same way, and express it as such, but then again, isn’t that what the human condition is all about? So many of us share and process similar experiences in the same manner, yet we feel our experiences are only ours. How could that really be, I wonder?
As I write this column, the world is coming apart at the seams and I don’t mean figuratively. Despite being responsible for only 1% of the world’s carbon emissions, Pakistan is dealing with one of the worst floods in the history of its country that has killed and displaced people, crops, and livestock. On the other hand, China is dealing with one of the worst droughts on record with a heatwave that broke several previous heat records. Spain’s water reservoirs have shrunk to levels that have resurfaced sunken historic monuments. And on and on it goes. It is one horrific climate-change-induced calamity after another. Today, it is another country. Tomorrow it could be us. Amidst all this, am I going to lecture you on counting your blessings and having gratitude? Hell, no, I am not.
Are we supposed to live in a world as unstable as this and still have faith in the goodness of this universe? Hard to say, if you ask me. As a rule, I don’t trust the universe, and not because I have no capacity for magic, but because too much has happened. Humanity is dealing with the consequences of actions gone by (climate and otherwise) and these consequences are almost always clashing with each other like fireworks. We gave the universe too much input and now, we are unable to deal with the output. In such a world, if the three of you feel scared, unworthy, or suspicious of your good fortune, who can blame you, really?
The fact that we live in a world where we are doubtful of our good fortune is proof that our world is deeply fractured and it needs a lot of healing. So, there there, Phoenix Who Wants to Rise, Confused, and From Behind the Screen, I’m so sorry the precedents of this world have given you second thoughts about your great lives instead of letting you savour the present. In my columns, I have always tried to say that we must strive to relish our lives, but even I require reminding that having everything doesn’t always amount to being happy. Does it?
You absolutely deserve your good fortune, Phoenix Who Wants to Rise. Why would you even doubt it for a minute? What would you say if your closest friend asked whether they deserved their happiness? Be your closest friend, affirm that your hard-won battles are your own and that you deserve this light in your life. Take excellent care of your mental health by being your own cheerleader. Do not, for even a second, delude yourself into thinking that your happiness is not yours to enjoy. Your reality is a glorious one right now, seize it (as you would advise your own friends) and revel in it. You’re not an impostor. You’re not over-confident. You’re not here by mistake. Own your joy. Don’t flaunt it. Feel it inside your mouth so that your joy gets the respect it deserves and dares to come around again.
Is your good fortune going to leave, From Behind the Screen? Probably, yes. Does that make it any less valuable? Absolutely not. Change is an irrefutable law of nature. Your circumstances will change, and so will your experiences. However, fearing change robs you of the present. If you sit around wondering how the good times will end, only you will be stealing yourself away from the delights that your present has to offer. Don’t worry so much about what is going to happen down the months or years. Focus solely on the present, heap spoonfuls of wonder from your good life, and let it enrich your days. Give thanks and pay it forward, it will only make your life bigger than it is right now. Yes, joy is also a privilege. Learn to embrace it and use it well.
Do you know what your actual privilege in this situation is, Confused? The fact that even if you did “jump ship” to go and do something else your support system of good parents, a partner, and money will be there right behind you. You are so blessed to have all these sorted in life. If you feel that you’re steering your life in the “wrong direction” I encourage you to find out what the “right direction” might be, and create a plan to pursue what you want. Are you lost and stuck? Maybe, but maybe not. By your own admission, your most important life pillars are solid under your feet. Use whatever resources you have to steer your ship in the direction of your choosing and ask for help from the people who matter most. I have a feeling they will happily comply.
While all of us have to heal enough to fully partake in our own happiness, we are also going to have to do the hard work of healing the world we live in. This is not just for the three of you, but for all of those who read this column and all of those who don’t. We must never let someone else’s good fortune rob us of our capacity to be kind to them. Let people enjoy the small things and the big ones without resenting their good fortune. There will be more of it. Contentment and delight are not metrics of a capitalistic product that need to be made scarce in order for them to have value. Imagine what a profoundly sad world we live in where someone else’s joy makes us feel small, where the existence of happiness is considered a limited-time-only commodity. We have so much work to do in order to make our societies healthy and fulfilling.
If somehow, we feel that we can have it all, while the world around us collapses, we have completely misunderstood what it means to be alive and human. Despite it all, our collective hopes have to be bigger than our collective fears. Despite it all, we have to endeavour towards making happiness so easy to find at every nook and cranny that none of us ever have to be suspicious of it or question our capacity to be vessels for gladness. Retire the notion that life is made for suffering. It is not. Life is given to us so that we may cast it in our own imagination.
Dare to imagine a deeply happy world where, if you turned a corner, you’d run into laughter and merriment and delight. Instead of wondering where you’d come, you would walk into this festive atmosphere and never once question how you got there.
Never once question how you got here. It is your party. Stay.
Love,
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.
✨🙄🍏🌽👠