Dear Jasmine #15: To Forgive and Repair
"We have to stop using the success or failure of romantic relationships as markers of ‘self-worth’ or having ‘made it in life’. Romantic relationships are not a life report card."
Question 15
Dear Jasmine,
First of all, I would feel completely okay if you chose not to answer my question. And I think this is part of the problem. I have a feeling I’m taking up too much space or I’m being unnecessarily upset and sad even though from within, from very, very within, I might be fine. I think I'm writing this because I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling. Anyway, a couple of months ago, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. It was a classic situation of me driving myself crazy being suspicious of his ex (who was his best friend, he said) and then finding out it was her all along. He’s no longer my boyfriend. That’s a whole different thing and I don’t know if I can ever get over it, but this cheating thing, in my heart of hearts, gave me some relief. Because I think I had been wanting to break up for a while but pushed aside every reason as not big enough.
Over the course of our relationship, I think he treated me badly. That’s what I think. In every situation that I thought that, he had managed to make me believe that he was the victim and I treated him badly. This guilt never leaves me. Over the whole year I felt bad for being such a bad girlfriend. For instance, he was in the hospital once (in another city) recovering from a minor surgery and of course I called and kept texting to check up (I could not send flowers or food because it wouldn't sit well with his parents) but he didn’t talk to me for a week. I was very confused and I didn’t know what was wrong. He later told me I wasn’t there for him during a hard time and he punished me by not speaking to me. I felt really horrible and I didn't know what else I could have done. There’s lots of instances like this. Where I would make some mistake and he would punish me and make me feel really bad. Now I know that during this entire stretch, he had been seeing his ex, texting her, etc. He has also mentioned to me that the reason he started cheating on me was that I rushed him into this relationship. He was also sexually unsatisfied and hence the cheating, I guess. He justified it in a way that even then, I felt like it was my fault.
My problem, I guess, is that I'm not able to find my way back. I thought after breaking up with him I'd feel better but every day feels worse than the last. And most of all, I feel embarrassed. That I let myself become so small and so insignificant in our relationship. I can't even face myself anymore. One time he threw my stuff out of his house ordering me to leave and I cried and begged to him to please let me stay. I can't forget this stuff. The thought that I did all of that while being cheated on and hardly shown any love and respect, I can't forget it. It's almost like I'm angry with myself. I'm mad at myself and I refuse to talk to myself. I really want to be the person I was before all of this. I was a fun person, I enjoyed my own company. I found joy in the smallest things. I was proud of myself for being smart and witty and above this sort of toxicity. And now there is so much hatred I feel for myself. I hardly take care of myself. How do I find my way back?
- Angry Vein
Answer 15: To Forgive and Repair
Dear Angry Vein,
Are you familiar with the book A Man Called Ove? Tom Hanks is featuring in a movie based on this book in which he plays the titular character. If you’ve read the book, it must immediately bring up warm feelings inside you. If you’ve not read it, allow me to summarise — the story follows a bitter, old man who lives in a cold, dank place and always comes across as angry and aloof to his neighbours. One day, a new family moves into the house next-door and his interactions with the family and their kids cast him in a different light. It is a classic story about an angry man who is actually sad and just wants to feel loved and have something or someone to live for. Most people I know adore the book, but I also know people who think of it as formulaic writing; intended to tug heartstrings and all that (as if that’s somehow a bad thing).
While I was reading the end of your letter for the umpteenth time, I wondered what would happen if we would employ a gender reversal to this trope of angry-man-who-is-actually-sad. What if the trope were about a woman who is angry, sullen, and disliked by her neighbours? How many such stories do you know? I hope you know too many of these. This is not a gender issue, Angry Vein. But of course, I am trying to make a winding, elongated point. So, stay with me, will you?
You don’t need me or anyone else reading your question to tell you that your break up was a blessing in disguise. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. I wish you didn’t have to go through what happened before the break up. You wish you don’t have to go through what’s happening after this break up. So let’s talk about that.
Angry people have a bad reputation and everyone loves to shame people for being angry be it when they are young, in schools, or in any adult social spaces. You’re not supposed to be angry in society. Unless, of course, you’re a man because then you can tell a heartwarming story about how anger is actually a cover up for pain. There are an abundance of stories where men play characters who have undergone intense emotional pain and instead of being vulnerable they just become red-hot angry. With good reason, I think so. Then, this anger is uncovered in a way that makes the inner feelings of men accessible and therefore, human. Healing follows vulnerability. Good for angry men and good for representation!
The truth is that’s what anger is — it is a reaction (or a secondary emotion) to an intense primary emotion such as hurt, shame, helplessness, sadness, humiliation, frustration, rejection, grief, or anxiety. Anger is also a social emotion. Our social vocabulary and emotional range has allowed anger to become commonplace. Instead, we should have made space for people to be vulnerable and fully experience and express these primary emotions. This is not on men and this is on not you. This is just how societies have been structured by the patriarchy.
Of course you hate yourself and neglect your needs, Angry Vein, because the truth is that you’re an angry-young-woman-who-is-actually-sad. You’re feeling a mixture of intense primary emotions and you’re expressing them by being angry with yourself instead of the person who caused these emotions in you. Here I want you to remember — anger is also a social emotion. There have to be other people involved in a ‘social emotion’. No one is hurt by themselves. They’re hurt by the behaviour of another person or other people specially when communication is inadequate or boundaries are being crossed or people are just indifferent to the relationships they inhabit or the unspeaking universe. A social emotion requires the involvement of other people or unexplained factors. So, I request you to stop punishing yourself for something someone else did to you. It’s not on you.
I answered your question because you said that you’re “taking up too much space”. I want to tell you and everyone who is reading this column that you’re allowed to take up too much space and that’s what this column is for. This column is your space. That’s why Rohini and I created it – to give your feelings validation and to give you affirmation. To give us all a space to reckon with the things that ail our generation and to start a dialogue for healing.
Forgive yourself, Angry Vein. Forgive yourself for trusting someone you thought was worth loving. But when you forgive yourself remember that these feelings inside you were not caused in isolation. Your partner’s actions contributed in you feeling small and insignificant. They made you feel disrespected and isolated. They made you feel unloved and helpless. Does that sound like love to you? It sure doesn’t. Even I am relieved you’re outside this horrible excuse of a relationship. In these columns, I always request the Dear Jasmine community to disassociate with people who are not contributing towards their growth, peace, and strength. You’re not associated to such a person anymore, Angry Vein. Thank the stars for that. What a sense of relief!
What happened to you doesn’t make you a ‘fool’ or ‘gullible’ or ‘weak’. You don’t have to give in to self-loathing. You only have to feel your helplessness at being unable to do anything to change the past. Feel your primary feelings – helplessness and hurt. Your helplessness and hurt are justified and valid, but directing the anger that stems from these feelings on yourself is not helpful. Being in active loving relationships requires work from both ends. While you do feel betrayed on one hand, on the other you should have respect for yourself because you held up your end of the bargain. How your partner behaved is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of who they are. Also, I want you to always remember that the failure of your romantic relationship is not a measure of your worthiness. We have to stop using the success or failure of romantic relationships as markers of ‘self-worth’ or having ‘made it in life’. Romantic relationships are not a life report card.
You were in a bad relationship that scarred you because your partner was unable to love you in a mature and symbiotic manner. I’m so sorry, Angry Vein. I’m sending you thoughts of healing and grace. Be vulnerable and feel everything you’re feeling, but I beg you to assign this grieving period with an end date. It’s hard for us to say what this end date might be, but please fix in your mind that you’ll process this hurt and come to the end of this road. You won’t carry this pain into everything you do. You won’t let it make you bitter and cloud your judgement of what it means to be in love. Promise me that you’ll let your wounds heal and not scratch at them constantly such that they bleed into other areas of your life.
While you do this, you’ll have to pick yourself up and supply yourself with self-esteem and self-worth of your own. Neatly remove the feelings that your partner projected on you and say to them, “These negative perceptions of me are not mine to carry.” Rinse yourself off the gaze of your partner and re-view yourself with your own kind eye. Be mindful of your dark and negative thoughts and make a ritual to cleanse yourself of them every day. Do this in a way that works for you — by writing them in your journal, by blowing them away to the wind, by putting these words inside a glass of water and draining it into the sink. Do this however you prefer; don’t let me curtail your imagination. Then, go out there and do things that bring you joy even when you don’t feel like it. The more you practice cultivating your own joy, the easier it will become. Like everything else, happiness is also a muscle.
Forgive and repair, Angry Vein. Forgive yourself and repair your relationship with yourself. All of us go through life feeling too much, but we don’t take enough time to pause and tend to our hearts. In the world we live today, the word ‘repair’ should be more sacrosanct than it currently is. We throw things out without a second thought. This attitude now seeps into all our interactions in life and look at the mess we have made! We are not here to create debris of every day things, relationships, people, and ourselves. We are here to mend and heal the cracks in our societies and in people. We are here to apply balms and bandages to open wounds. We are not here to throw the whole wound away, are we? Repair what has been hurt, Angry Vein. Repairing takes time, love, and patience.
Make it your creed to heal your primary emotions and give yourself the gift of your own kindness. Stop looking at yourself from an external vantage point of what happened to you. Work through any feelings of shame you might have because of this rejection. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not what happened to you. You’re a whole person who loved and lost. That’s not a bad thing, Angry Vein. I promise you it never will be.
Do you know how the stories about the angry-man-who-is-actually-sad end? Usually, the angry man allows himself to feel vulnerable and fall apart. He lets in people who will tend to him and care for him. Then, he starts to mend his hurt and he replaces it with the company of kind people and with the joy of small things. Isn’t that what you also want, Angry Vein? To find joy in the smallest things? Follow the story arc, dear floret. I promise you, it gets better from here on.
Love,
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.
<3 I needed this medicine today, too. Thank you Angry Vein for your question and thank you Jasmine for your loving response.