Dear Jasmine #17: In this Ravine, I Wish Upon the Passing Comet

"The more we spend time being ourselves, the more resolutely we become who we are."

Woodcut by Isabel Villaseño

Dear Readers, 

Some events in my personal life and at my workplace have defeated me. My heart has been so heavy with grief that it keeps overflowing, it keeps spilling out and yet doesn’t empty itself. I am not strong enough for what happened to me. I have spent the last four weeks hiding from my real life and constantly rethinking my place in the large scheme of things, in this world. I came to a bend in the road that threw me off balance and I have fallen into a large ravine of my own making. It is dark and cold down here and with no help on the way, my wounds are fresh and taking their natural time to heal. In all this, every time I receive an email from any of you I am reminded of the purpose of this column but as of yet, I have been unable to pick myself up. I am deeply sorry. 

As I write this, I can see a Turkish ice cream stall not too far away from me. I wonder what would happen if I went to buy an ice cream? Would they perform the ice cream tricks for me? Would I be able to keep myself entertained while they did? Would I be able to smile? I sit here and look on as they perform tricks, as they smile their broad smiles at the small trickery of a dessert. I don’t go to the Turkish ice cream stall because I don’t know if I have the capacity for small joys and I am scared to find out.

I spend a lot of my time inside my head concocting make-believe conversations with people who have wronged me. I try to re-phrase my arguments, imagine their responses, be clearer in what I am trying to communicate, and I do this over and over again. There’s a monster in my head and it doesn’t pay any rent. It is exhausting. I do not recommend leasing out your mind; guard it with all your might. I want to find a way to make this stop, but more importantly, I wrestle with the universe and demand a better surroundings for myself. I demand the undoing of my break up for no fault of ours. I demand better people to work with. I know that the universe is not here to cater to my whims and fancies. I also know that the universe might be here to cater to my whims and fancies. Who’s to say, really? 

Could it be that all the magic of the universe I have hitherto written about might be hidden somewhere for me as well? Could it happen that the falling apart of my life is a kaleidoscopic blessing in disguise? Could it be that I can take my worst imagination of the future and turn it completely upside down? I am trying to believe in something new, something borrowed from the greatest fictions of humans and Gods, something fragrant with the dreams I buried in order to fit into the world. 

Believing what your mind tells you is natural because it is your own mind, after all. How can you not be your own safe space? As an overthinker, I have tens upon thousands of thoughts that I can believe in under a few hours, but it never gets me anywhere except closer to an anxiety attack. Rationally, I have decided that I’m going to have to start believing in better thoughts. Irrationally, I will descend into  rage and agony on unfamiliar couches and away from old friends. 

So, this column is for all us who ask questions of what we can do to mend such-and-such-a-situation or what we can do to attract love or what we can do to exit a difficult family space or what we can do about the toxic work environment that we go to every day or how we can find the confidence to start new lives. This column is about the affirmations that we will, as a community, put out into the universe about the kind of worlds we want to build for ourselves. 

I can’t tell you how audacious this is for me given that historically nothing has ever worked out for me the way I hoped it would. But I can’t afford to be despondent because this large sheet of grief I carry around is so heavy it will crush me if I let it. There are sounds of me knocking over my blessings in the dark and of a phantom breathing poison into my ear. Here I am, in front of the Dear Jasmine community, owning up what I have become, but also who I want to be and what are my hopes for all of us.

May we…

avoid the fake smiles and fake handshakes at sale on every corner 

steal away into the disease of our imagination and put up fairy lights 

insist on finding a tribe that cheerleads us consistently; specially when we fail

open our hearts to strangers who arrive unsuspecting in our midst

draw firm boundaries stealing stars and ashes from the night sky 

build the courage to challenge oppressive systems unfailingly

pray to the flower, the food, the helper, the sun, the darkness

resist maligning people even when they’ve broken our hearts or egos

forgive, forgive, forgive what was not forgiven to us and then some

forgive, forgive, forgive what was not forgiven to us and then some

gently let down people if it will break their hearts or egos

be patient with the flower, the food, the helper, the sun, the darkness

supply courage to people who challenge oppressive systems unfailingly

look for the stars and ashes around us and respect the boundaries drawn

recall the effort it takes us to open our hearts to unsuspecting strangers

become a tribe that cheerleads others consistently; specially when they fail

buy into the idea of a magnificent future by creating it ourselves 

hand out genuine smiles and handshakes for free at every corner

We cannot get people to become who we want them to be and that is an absolute rule. Would we be able to completely change who we are if someone else asked us? Would we be able to stop being the villains in someone else’s stories if they so deeply wanted us to? The more we spend time being ourselves, the more resolutely we become who we are. 

What if we became versions of ourselves that are safe spaces for people who don’t have safe spaces and vice versa? What if we sent out echoes into the universe of the way we want to live deep, whole, healed lives? What if we whispered into shells our pardon and threw them into the depths of the ocean? What if we loved ourselves so generously that we showed others how it should be done?

What if is the creed I have adopted for myself these days, dear community. I dare to ask the universe and my own wounds while I sit here in the cold, dark ravine — what if?

Love yourself and one another fiercely. 

Until next year. 

Love,
Jasmine

P.S.

• Coolest hippopotamus: bury what is broken, sleep on a prayer, a new dawn will come

• Deliberate mistakes: two words: no shame, open relationships, best friends, be free

• Just a regretful soul: the dead are never gone, see yourself in a mirror, apply kindness

• Socially anxious Bengali: run in the direction of what feeds your soul, always 

• Zebra trying to cross: cross the road to the land of forgiving and loving the self 

• Done with Delhi: the universe is full of multitudes, resist writing the future, be open

• Blue: read, write, work, read, write, leave the man, read, write, work, read, write

• Girl from Mumbai: you’re fabulous, unique, full of possibilities, and not in a race

• Alone with my thoughts: i feel you, i’m like you, what would you say to me? say to yourself

• Perpetual overthinker: you’re a bud frightened by an adult who plucks flowers, let it go

• Sensitive cutlet from Tamil Nadu: quit that therapist, love your inner child, you’re special

• R: you’re so, so strong, the wounds will turn into a constellation of scars, wait for spring

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Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.