Dear Jasmine #8: This World is Not Ours to Take. It is Ours to Give Away.

"The thumb rule of having the privilege of any kind is to use your position of power to bridge the gap between the privileged and the less privileged."

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Question 8

Dear Jasmine,

How long can I continue to be friends with my cis het friends if they are not making any effort to break out of the heteronormative thinking pattern? I love them. But knowing that their choices deeply affect our oppression is making it really difficult. It's either being lonely or building a new support system (which is mentally exhausting at times) or just tolerating what seems wrong. Don't know what to do.
- QueerDeer 

Dear Jasmine,

I am a 24-year-old guy feeling stuck in a conservative family. I have known I was queer since high school, but the thought of coming out to my family seems pretty impossible. I keep avoiding them as much as I can, I went to schools all around the country. I am trying to get jobs as far away from home as I can. The truth is that I am also really sad that I am not brave enough to come out to them and I know I will regret this later. However, right now I am not able to overcome this mountain of mine and I feel it's driving me towards things to numb this pain.
- Donnie Brasco

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Answer 8: This World is Not Ours to Take. It is Ours to Give Away. 

Dear QueerDeer and Donnie Brasco,

All the heteronormative people in this country owe you an apology whether we are active allies or not. On behalf of them, I am deeply sorry for participating in building a world where you cannot be yourself. To paraphrase one of my favourite lines from Selina Kyle in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, it is not okay for some of us to live so large and leave so little for the rest of us. Whatever privilege heteronormative people have taken does not give us the right to leave so little space for our queer folks. I admit that we are making very small strides in changing our own mental makeup, and therefore, the makeup of our desi society. It’s not okay and you should not have to feel suffocated or caged in your own life. We have no right to make you feel this way. We know better, so we must do better. I am so sorry. 

Usually, I request the Dear Jasmine community members who write to me to be brave, to draw boundaries, and to answer to the beating of their own wild hearts. It’s what I want for all of us — a sense of belonging to this world and feeling free enough to dance in it. However, I am unable to ask either of you to do these things because to hell with that. Why should you have to constantly grate against the machinations of our society and make a place for yourself in it? Your acceptance in this world should be a given. So, in this column, I want to speak to the heteronormative people reading this, to QueerDeer’s cis het friends who are tone-deaf and insensitive (I’m sorry, but y’all are), to Donnie Brasco’s friends and family, and to anyone else who will listen. I want to talk to the privileged folks amongst us because this is actually our problem. 

All of us heteronormative people are obsessed with having someone to love. We ascribe to inane patriarchal customs just to spend our lives with someone. Our growing-up content involves a prince and a princess falling for each other under a starry sky. Travel agency holiday packages are discounted for couples. Homes are easily rented to a husband and wife as our society tends to trust a “married couple”. This list goes on and on. All of this is so normalised that we have confused it with the way our society must function. If the Dear Jasmine inbox is anything to go by, approximately 80% of confessions are about love: heteronormative people are hurting over broken hearts, long-distance relationships, tough marriages, and even wanting to find a partner. We love being in love. And why shouldn’t we? Being in love is incredible and infuriating. If you ask a ‘straight person’ their greatest salve and sorrow will mostly be a heteronormative partner. 

So, all of you ‘straight folks’ I want you to imagine a world where you have to keep your romantic relationship hidden because queer people do not accept you in the open. You’re not allowed to walk hand in hand with your partner in your city. You’re not allowed to be represented on TV and in movies because your male-female relationship is taboo. You can’t book hotel rooms on vacation without hiding your relationship status. You’re not allowed to get married. You won’t be given a house on rent or have legal protection. Worst of all, your family and friends will denounce you if you tell them you love a person of the opposite gender. Imagine having to live in a world like this. I will wait here at the end of this sentence. 

Do you think you would be able to live like this? Would you be able to hold the privileged queer people in any regard for hating you just for the simple act of wanting to be with someone? Aren’t you all already up in arms when parents and society folk don’t accept your inter-caste, interfaith relationships? More than enough movies are made about villains who stand in the way of two lovers. All of us cheer when this villain is vanquished. We love to see two lovers unite against all odds. Guess what? In the real world, the heteronormative people are the villains and we are the ones who need to be vanquished. We are the ones standing in the way of queer people who just want to love. I hate to break it to you, but we are not looking good in this movie. 

The thumb rule of having the privilege of any kind is to use your position of power to bridge the gap between the privileged and the less privileged. Having privilege doesn’t mean you don’t face any hurdles in society, it just means you also have the tools and resources needed to overcome those hurdles. We live in a male-dominated, heteronormative, upper-class, upper-caste society. What does this mean? It means the following: A man has privilege. A woman does not. A male-female relationship has privilege. A queer relationship does not. An economically rich person has privilege. A poor person does not. An upper-caste person has privilege. A lower caste person does not. 

So, for example, if you’re an upper-caste, rich man in a married relationship with a woman, you sit on top of the privilege ladder. It is incumbent on anyone who has any kind of privilege to work towards removing obstacles for those who don’t have the privilege you do. It’s on you to make this country a better, more inclusive place. Every time you think ‘I’ve done nothing, why it is on me?” You doing nothing is the reason why nothing changes for the better. The power that rests in the hands of the privileged is a kind of liquid silver that can fill up the cracks in our society. Use this liquid silver in your words, actions, and social circles and say the following:

It’s not cool to hate on queer people.

This is not okay.

Queer people have a right to love.

This is not okay.

Our systems should reflect the reality of having queer partners. 

This is not okay.

This world belongs to queer people as much as it does to us.

This is not okay. 

Please learn to be more accepting of queer people.

This is not okay.

We have to give queer people the same societal benefits that heteronormative partners have. 

This is not okay.

My friend, I love you. Who you chose to love doesn’t affect our friendship.

This is not okay.

Do you want to talk about your partner and any romantic struggles? I’ll listen.

This is not okay.

Small sentences change the world if all of us utter them together. They always have. Let’s use our privilege to remove hurdles toward love for everyone around us. Utter these sentences in homes, friend circles, yoga groups, workplaces, and on the Internet. You have so much power with the societal status provided to you, you could do anything. So why not make space for more love to abide by?

QueerDeer, I don’t want to ask you to be more courageous than you already are. Thank you for writing to me and telling me that as a cis het person, I still have so much to do. I don’t want you to weld more courage than you already do. All I ask is that you ask your friends only to read this column. All I ask is that you continue being your gorgeous, gradient self. We will take it from here. 

Donnie Brasco, I want to ask you to continue to be as courageous as you already are. When you feel you’re ready to “come out” you will come out to your family. You have nothing to be sad about. This “mountain” you speak of is not of your own making. We, heteronormative people, have built it for you. It’s unfair of you to have to scale it alone. While you build your courage, find friends who can become family. You will need support and encouragement. Find your own cheerleading squad. It’s hard for me to prescribe how you should come out to your family because prescriptive solutions almost never work. Keep being you. One day, you’ll have all courage needed, meanwhile I request your friends to be there for you.

Oh and yes, QueerDeer and DonnieBrasco, Happy Pride month, my loves. 🏳️‍🌈

If you’re a cis het friend to a queer person, do better. We can always do with less hate and more love. Our queer friends are just asking for their rightful space in this world we share together. We are no one to deny them this right. 

Nothing in this world is fully ours until it is shared by all of us. This world is not ours to take. It is ours to make and leave behind. Share the love. Let love be shared.

Love,
Jasmine

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Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.