Dear Jasmine #9: Don’t overthink your life. Live it.

"Embrace the certainty of change. Accept it like we accept the weather. It’s just there you can’t do anything about it. We still go about our day."

Mehfooz, 2021 by Faiza Hasan | Charcoal and gold leaf on paper, 7.5” x 9.5”

Question 8

Dear Jasmine,

How do I stop fearing change? I feel like I am one of those people who will go out of their way to maintain the status quo even if it comes at the cost of sabotaging my interests. So how do I stop doing? 
- A Work In Progress

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Answer 8:

Dear Work in Progress,

If you don’t mind me doing so, I would like to use your question as a trampoline to answer some other questions that are also in my inbox. A question from ‘Standing in Front of Two Roads’ about whether to stay in this country or chase an uncertain life abroad. A question from ‘Fuming in Hyderabad’ about their partner who betrayed their love and trust. A question from ‘Lost in Bombay’ who has a recurring dream about their ex. Of course, these are varied, complex situations, but in one way or another, they are all about change and the emotions that come with it. I hope you don’t mind if I do this, Work in Progress. If you do, I am sorry. Do write to me at my e-mail address and I will write back to you. 

We are all able to deduce rational conclusions for most situations. They say people are either creative thinkers or logical thinkers or a mix. Though logical thinking may not be a forte for some people, more often than not, we are able to rationally analyse any situation. Some very socially-successful people I know are practical and extremely clear about what they need to do in order to achieve things they want. They are not sitting around wondering what would happen if they did X or Y. They’re aware, are well-informed, and make good analytical decisions. These people keep going in life from one milestone to another. They’re not waiting around speculating the unknown and watching the grass grow. They’re killing it at life (as per a socially-accepted life template). 

The problem starts when we start listening to our feelings. Our feelings are messing everything up for us. But how can we ignore them? Aren’t our feelings who we are? Isn’t that dull ache in your heart and twinkle in your eye the reason we are all here for? 

Maybe. Maybe not. Who is to say, really? 

Nothing is for certain in life, Work in Progress, except death. Death is a certainty and it is the only assured event we all agree on. Everything else is a toss-up in the air. It is hard to say which way the cookie will crumble.  

Another definite thing is that everything changes. Which way does change occur? It depends. That is not written in stone. However, it is an undeniable fact that everything changes. 

You can try to escape anything, but you can’t escape death and change. They’re bound to happen to you even if you’re sitting around in the tallest ivory tower in the world. 

You’re going to die one day, Work in Progress. Morbid, I know. Too dark a way to put a point across, sure. A little unkind of me? Umm, not really. I am going to die one day, too. As we are all. Then, why are you sitting around and not partaking in this experience of your own life? Because you are scared? Oh, come on! 

Everyone is scared, Work in Progress. We are all scared of one thing or another. I’ve been so scared for the last few days that I haven’t slept well in a while, my heart thumping, my head hurting, I have been lying in my bed for hours before I can get up and bring myself to do things that need to be done. It’s scary being alive, but you know what? That also changes. Because it is fascinating being alive. 

‘Standing in Front of Two Roads’ knows the rational reasons about whether they should stay in this country or leave. Those pros and cons are in place, but they wonder what would happen “if”. Fuming in Hyderabad knows that their anger is not self-serving but there is a period of grief they’re going to have to go through. They will also know in their mind when that grieving period gets over, but they wonder how to process this grief and they wonder what “if”. ‘Lost in Bombay’ should not call their ex, that’s the rational decision, and it doesn’t matter what that recurring dream means, but they think about what would happen “if”.

We all wonder what would happen “if”. 

‘If’ is an uncertainty. Death and Change are certainties. Work with the certainties, Work in Progress. In order to do anything, there should be some knowns so you can figure out the unknown. The guarantee you have in life is that things will change all the time. What you’re not guaranteed is how you experience life in order to make full use of being on this blue-green planet flying through space. Embrace the certainty of change. Accept it like we accept the weather. It’s just there you can’t do anything about it. We still go about our day. 

You must have heard this but I will say it again — your feelings are not facts. They’re emotions informed by your life experiences and the stories you tell yourself. Ignore the feelings of fear unless, of course, it is the fear of falling from a moving public vehicle or some such. Ignore your fears, they’re lying to you. Don’t make yourself small in trying to cling to a life you know, agonising over a thoughtless ex-partner, or over a recurring dream. Ask yourself if you stand to gain anything by pursuing paths that don’t fill you up with joy and wholesomeness. Then, act like successful, rational people do. Don’t pursue what doesn’t serve you. 

Let go of people, experiences, and dreams that do not positively contribute to your existence. Be ruthless and practical about this. Be like those successful people who know exactly what they’re doing, but do this with your own inner life. Don’t be afraid of what will happen. Don’t be reckless with your life by giving it all away, but don’t save it so much that you never open yourself to living. 

I want all of you to remember you are worthy of the remarkable things that our life has to offer. Yes, time will pass, events will happen, and you will cut your hand on a knife or many and bleed gushing, red blood. But you will also heal because everything changes, darlings. Everything. Don’t sit around and speculate about this and that. Action always trumps endless thought. Don’t overthink your life. Live it. Do things all the time, do them mindfully. Seize everything that makes your heart grow full. Cry, if need be. Howl, if it is what you want. Start over again. That’s all there is to living. Isn’t it? 

You’re at the grand feast of your life. Look into your goblet. It should always be full of wine or a non-alcoholic beverage made of elderflower, sparkles, and fresh fruit that you love. Sit here. Drink to your life.

Say cheers. 

Love,
Jasmine

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Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.