DearJasmine #19: Damning, Stubborn, Glittering Love!
"We don’t live in a scarcity-universe, little floret"
Question 19:
Dear Jasmine,
I still remember the first day when I went to college. The building looked magnificent with its exquisite walls, floors and quaint wide stairs and there were people everywhere roaming around with the freshness of new flowers blooming to life. It was then that I first saw her, standing in a queue, looking at her watch in close intervals, with the impatience slowly kicking in. I knew in my heart that I would fall in love with her, and yes I did. When things didn't work out and the love did not come to fruition, I was devastated. It seemed as if I had lost the meaning of life and everything seemed empty and sad. I was afraid that I would probably never be able to fall in love again.
6 years later, I realise that my worst fear has come to pass and I have lost the ability to fall in love. I have grown incapable of loving someone with all my heart.
With time, I have come to believe that we humans are born with a fixed quota or share of love, a particular quantity of love in our heart, and often we end up bestowing that love in a particular person. And once we run out of that love, we are no longer able to love someone with all our heart because love once emptied out of our hearts never finds a way to come back again.
I know I might be wrong but I would be really happy if you share your thoughts on this belief of mine.
— whathappenstotheheart
Answer 19: Damning, Stubborn, Glittering Love!
Dear whathappenstotheheart,
I have become the kind of person who has a favourite shape. I don’t know how or when I came to be this way, but I am not averse to having an affinity to a geometric body. I feel with everything in our lives, a kind of familiarity sets in with time — a familiarity of spaces in the home, of the perfect compartments in your bag, of the bodies of people who care for us, of the easiest and most efficient nooks in the kitchen, of the things that we need every day (crisp towel, quickly lighting burner, gully to work), of the conversations that we can easily slip into — and so on. Much the same way, I find familiarity in this geometric shape that I’ve come to like because I see it everywhere and it gives me a sense of security and probably, a likeness to joy. I’m talking about the circle, or the 3D version of it, the sphere.
The circle is everywhere — it’s on your plate in the form of a hot roti or in the changing of seasons or as the silvery companion on a dark night. I like that it is egalitarian in the way it has no beginning and no end. You can put a finger anywhere and call it a start. Put a finger anywhere and call it an end. What freedom, don’t you think? And what of dances? The dances we do with our loved ones when we form circles and throw our worries into the centre? And what of life itself? The circular nature of the growth of our trees, the way water has been moving through our cosmos for centuries, and the way we turn our backs to the sun sometimes but it never turns its back on us. I find this shape hugely fascinating because it reassures my wild, beating heart that no matter what has happened, the end of the road isn’t here. That no matter how badly things are going, a churn will happen and I will come to a new point in the large scheme of things.
I’m telling you this whathappenstotheheart because I want you to remember you’re not just living life on a linear timeline of 6-years-since-she-left but you’re on a larger, circular timeline of the world that rebuilds itself every turn of the season. Everything around you, including you, is being made anew every single day. And yet, we are so engrossed in our own worries we forget we are a part of the magical cosmos, alive to experience the force of nature, and if we can manage it, live to tell the tale. Tell me something, whathappenstotheheart, do you really think that in all this churn love can be a finite resource as you’ve been willing yourself to believe? In fact, if all of us started describing love as a fixed quota, would it have any magic left? Would you have wanted it at all in the first place when you saw her that day?
I’m so sorry your relationship didn’t end in domestic bliss, whathappenstotheheart. I’m sorry it has been so long since you’ve closed your heart and thrown the keys into the proverbial ocean floor. It must have been hard for you to go on pretending that you needed to be strong when all you needed was to be vulnerable. I can’t imagine how you must have felt all these years closing yourself off from wanting to be loved or wanting to love someone. It must have been difficult to recede yourself into the background of your own life, to rationalise the way you felt when your friends and cousins started “settling down” or even publicly showed off their partners.
Doesn’t it hurt knowing that you deserve to be loved but you’re still holding on to the idea that it may not be for you? Can you please sit down with me for a moment and take the time to acknowledge this grief you’ve been carrying all along? Can you let me hug you and tell you that it is okay she left, it is okay your dream didn’t come true, and it is okay that it has been so long but you’re still worthy of love? Can we honour your grief together, whathappenstotheheart?
You haven’t mentioned how your relationship ended, but based on your description of how it came about, I could discern that you are a deep romantic at heart but that also you’ve subscribed to the idea of one true love. I don’t know where you got the idea from; maybe it came from our society, which is hinged on the sanctity of a singular narrative. We believe there is one of everything and that if we’ve lost our chance, life isn’t going to turn around for us. I implore you to give up this notion that we have only one chance in life and in love and in everywhere between. Most of these notions come from a scarcity mindset and maybe that’s why you feel that the love in your heart has been spent.
We don’t live in a scarcity-universe, little floret, we live in a scarcity-induced-society. We are made to feel like there isn’t enough for everyone, so we keep scrambling in our daily lives, keep going after each other, keep refreshing our social media feeds, and keep amassing experiences for display instead of nourishment. There is enough love out there in the world for you whathappenstotheheart, and there is enough love inside you. All you need to do is unlearn the idea that one of the greatest drivers of human life — love — is finite. It is not. I promise you.
Love, in and of itself, is not singular. For me, every time the word is said, it does not evoke a romantic visual. Instead, it evokes a connective visual. I believe that love is like water — it takes the shape of the relationship between the self and the interest of love. It can be familial, romantic, friendly, cosmic, habitual, shared, intellectual, filial, old love, earthy, and so on. I’m not trying to be fake spiritual, but the categorisation of love is unnecessary. It reduces a layered, spectral emotion into a singular dimensional entity and narrows the way we feel connected to the world around us and to each other. Love is the reason why we live, and in many cases, love determines how we live. Do you really think an emotion like this can be depleted?
All I’m asking is that you let go of the idea that the loss of one relationship has rendered you incapable of such a gorgeous human emotion. You’re not incapable of it neither have you exhausted its supply. This is not an economics class. This is your life. You are deeply wounded and I worry if you’ve had the right places and people to move this wound towards light and healing. This is not to suggest that I am anecdotally turning you into a tragic hero. I am not. All I hope is that you can believe in the cyclical nature of hurt and healing that we have to undergo constantly in order to live. Therefore, I ask if you have the places and the people where your emotions are honoured, where you can be yourself, and where you can reckon with your humanity such that you don’t lose touch with the magical aspects of living — in this case, love. Damning, stubborn, glittering love!
I’m disappointed that we as a society don’t care enough about the emotions and mental health of men as much as we do for women. We don’t give men social sanction to be openly vulnerable and to express emotions other than anger and indifference. It is a disservice we do to men by forcing them to hide their tears, confusion, and emotional complexities. For centuries, we’ve expected men to toughen up so they can appear fully sanitised when they occupy public spaces. Trust me, you don’t have to conform to these ridiculous ways of being. I hope you have close friends with whom you can talk about how you felt when your relationship ended without having to pretend that you were strong enough to take it. Maybe you weren’t strong enough to take it, and there was no need for you to be so. Your pain, your disappointment, and your wound were as valid six years ago as their echoes are valid today. I see you. I am your witness.
If you don’t have the places and people I’m talking about, I strongly suggest you pay close attention to those you spend the most time with and start making some positive alterations to your life. Surround yourself with folks who cheer you on both when you’re messy and majestic. If you can, make some new friends with a focused intention of having a thriving human connection. I know this is really hard, but please try. If it helps, speak to your women friends or befriend women with the intent of being friends only.
Fortunately or unfortunately, women have had to rely on a sisterhood all their lives so they’re adept at being there for their friends. It comes naturally to women, not because it’s a nature-given-gift but because it’s a matter of survival and it has been that way for ages. Do remember that when women are being considerate of your feelings it doesn’t automatically mean they’re being romantic. This is what tends to mess up a lot of gendered friendships. What women see as an implicitly kind friendship, men tend to see as a romantic advance. However, there is simply no reason why you can’t have a healthy friendship with them. I suggest this because their acceptance of all kinds of feelings makes it an easy place to start. I apologise if this is something you’re already aware of and if you already have women friends with who you have great relationships. Forgive me for my transgressions.
If you have male friends with whom you can open up, I suggest you sit down with them and talk about how you feel. Even if it means sitting down with just one of them and talking about what aches you’ve felt for so long. This may not necessarily be about this lost love, but about everything you’ve been through since then. Listen to what they have to say. If they’re unable to say words that will soothe you, that’s okay. Most people don’t get the words right, but listening is usually enough. Do this with someone who you trust and with whom you want to start a new strand of friendship. Men must talk to each other about how they feel.
Start small. See what happens. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but once you’re able to navigate these conversations, much of life could become simpler because you’ll be able to articulate your emotions to someone other than yourself. Once you can articulate them, you can process them. We expect men to carry on without crumbling as if they’re not human, too. This is your pit stop where you can crumble and be human, and therefore, be made anew. Last but not least, if these spaces don’t seem viable to you, and if you’re comfortable enough to go to therapy, do so. The idea is to get all that debris out and slowly let it go. When you clear out the old, you will have space for the new.
Let hurt be followed by healing, whathappenstotheheart. Borrow the circular ways of our planet’s mechanism, if you will. Go round the bend, and make a new story to follow. Isn’t that how time also works? Maybe there’s a reason we call it the wheel of time. Maybe the only finite thing we have is our own mortality. Everything else, including love, keeps going on. This thought might seem scary but it is hugely liberating knowing that no matter what apocalypse may befall us, the circulatory nature of life will heal what has been broken and whatever has not made sense will become clear again.
You don’t have to go after love or create it in your own wishing well. You only have to give yourself the permission to unravel whatever knots guard the gateway to love in your heart. You only have to open that door and simply watch yourself fall in love again.
Love,
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine is a monthly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.
loved this
💗💗.