Dear Jasmine #16: The Table of Arrangement
"Please sit down for a moment and take a deep breath or two. All this weight you’re carrying must be very heavy."
Question 16
Dear Jasmine,
Ever since my second child was born, my life has changed. I keep throwing anger shots at my house help, keep my opinions loud in front of my in-laws and keep poking my husband with my doubts. I realised a hint bit of liking between my husband and my son’s friend’s mommy. The thing has been discussed at home but I kind of feel he’s done with me. Everybody at my mum’s place also thinks I’m going mad when it comes to my mental capacities and management at home. How do can I get involved into my hobbies again? In spite of having such great help with the kids at home, I feel like I have no spark left to see another day in life. Fear of infidelity, self hatred, and extreme low confidence has ruined my mind.
- Depressed in Mumbai
Answer 16: The Table of Arrangement
Dear Depressed in Mumbai,
I feel that we need to have a longer conversation with each other in order to really answer this question you’ve posed to me. I read the question once and then twice and then many more times only to come up with more questions of my own. I don’t want to assume anything about what you’ve written to me. So, I feel like we need to have a dialogue around your situation. A one-way question answer would not do justice, but I’ll try to do my best.
First things first — I don’t think you’re going mad. I know I said I don’t have enough details about your situation, but I am positive that you’re not going crazy. How do I know this? I know this because the situation you described is so overwhelming, it would be hard not to lose your buttons all over the place. In fact, if you weren’t overpowered by everything you’ve described that would be a cause of concern. You’re having a normal human reaction to a complex situation, Depressed in Mumbai. You’re okay. You’re here with us. You have every right to feel the way you do. Please sit down for a moment and take a deep breath or two. All this weight you’re carrying must be very heavy.
I want to congratulate on becoming a mother for the second time, however, this is where I start to falter a little. Questions swirl around in my head and I am forced to reconsider many things. Why do I write this column at all? How did I answer a question similar to this previously with more certainty than I do now? What do I know about having your body opened up to give birth to two children? But I also have many questions for you that only you can answer if you are reading this now —
Did you want this second child?
Did you and your husband plan your second child?
Is your husband an involved father and a partner? How much caregiving does he provide to your child and to you?
What kind of a partnership do you share with your husband? Are you equal partners or friends? Do you have time carved out only to spend with each other?
What kind of a family set up do you have? Is it nuclear or joint? Does this set up support or diminish you?
How old is your first child? Do you both, as parents, have a good relationship with your elder child?
How did having a child impact your marriage? Did it make is stronger or was it hard for you both?
How much support and understanding did you need while being a mother? Did you seek it? Did you receive it?
Do you have a job (which is basically asking: do you have financial stability of your own)?
I hesitate to answer your question because there’s so much we still need to talk about. It would be hard to figure out how to get involved in your hobbies again or how to find the joy for living if the most fundamental areas of your life remain unanswered. So, instead of trying to decipher what would work for you, here’s a code you can use to figure out things yourself.
Living is hard and the older you get, the harder it gets because you’ve walked certain paths, you’ve told yourself stories about your past, and you’ve brought people permanently into your lives. All of us know this as a fact. I once asked a psychologist if it makes me weak when I react to emotional duress poorly than most people would do. Very kindly, the psychologist told me that the way I behave and what I do is a collection of my life’s experiences. People have different experiences therefore, different reactions and ways of being. It has nothing to do with being weak or strong. Besides, life isn’t a competition. Or is it?
Find out which parts of your life are healthy for you and working for you, Depressed in Mumbai. Observe your whole life carefully and think about what you want. What kind of a life partnership do you want? Do you enjoy being with your husband by choice or out of habit? How much of a relationship do you want with your mother? What does it mean to you if your husband fancies someone else? Is this something you can both navigate or would you rather construct a new life of your own? What kind of a parenting style do you want to employ in either case? Do you have the financial wherewithal should things fall apart or if things get better?
Work through these messy questions and first ask yourself where you stand and where you’d like to go. Most likely, you won’t get everything you want. Other people in your life will have their own wants and needs, and maybe, you might have to put some of them above yours. While life is hard, it is also a bargain. Of all these things, find out what you won’t compromise on, what is your non-negotiable? Then, lay them down on the Table of Arrangement and one-by-one invite those who need to be part of the discussion. Do a little bit of a give-and-take on this Table of Arrangement where you come to re-organise your life.
For example, if you want to save your marriage, invite your husband to this Table of Arrangement and draw up your needs, wants, and non-negotiables. Ask him how much of work he’s willing to put in and what would it take to repair the relationship. If “he’s done” with you as you call it and you’ll both need to stick around for the kids, what would that look like? If you’re done with him and you want an out, what does that look like? All these scenarios can go on and on, but you get the drift? Figure out what your needs are and where you stand with respect to them. Then, find a way to chart that distance so you’re closer to the life you need instead of wondering how you can fix your “self-hatred and low-confidence”.
I want to let you in on a secret, Depressed in Mumbai. Sometimes, I hate myself too. I hate myself for not having the same life most of my peers do. I find myself lacking and wonder what is missing in me that my life is so far away from where society milestones need me to be. I hate myself for not having the courage to go after what I want and fearing what people will think of me. I have such low confidence and self-esteem that I am scared of change because I worry whether I will be able to deal with whatever life throws at me. But the truth also is that I am low on confidence because I think I don’t have as much courage as I would have liked. I fear too much. I worry too much. I am very self-critical. What I am, though, is self-disciplined. I never leave things undone whether it’s for someone else or for me. I never go back on my word. I am consistent. I am dependable. I am kind. Currently, I am working on unlearning negative patterns to give myself the kind of inner life I deserve. So, you see, I am trying.
Focus on what you have, Depressed in Mumbai. Then, go from there. You mentioned you have support to raise your kids. I encourage you to also find emotional support in well-meaning friends and whoever you’re close to in your family. You will need it. Work through the big and small questions and heal your inner life. And please, don’t “throw anger shots” at your house help, Depressed in Mumbai. They’re doing their best and have a lot going on in their personal life, too. Being angry is one thing. Subjecting your anger on people who don’t deserve it is another. In my previous column, I’ve written about how anger is a secondary and social emotion. Use your anger to find out what parts of you are hurting. Then, find a way to heal those parts.
What you’re doing is not easy and it won’t be effortless to have these conversations on the Table of Arrangement. However, if you are to have any hope of finding joy and receding your anger, it will require you to make a hard bargain. Take your kindest, courageous, and determined self to the Table, Depressed in Mumbai. Ask, and I am hoping you shall receive.
Love,
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine is a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer. If any of you want to send in questions, please send them to Jasmine here.